5,000 Great One Liners by Grant Tucker

By Grant Tucker

Whether informed within the rugby golf equipment of Wales or the gentlemen's golf equipment of London, their sharpness and straightforwardness unites us all. brief, candy and wickedly shrewdpermanent, they carry a different position within the annals of comedy, and because the upward push of Twitter heralds a resurrection of the artwork shape, there turns out no higher time to rejoice the immortal one-liner. during this e-book, furnish Tucker does simply that, bringing jointly 5,000 of the funniest one-liners ever informed in a single definitive quantity. Laugh-out-loud humorous, 5,000 nice One-Liners has the entire quips, zingers, puns and wisecracks you will ever desire – and an entire lot extra.

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Example text

The company has gone into liquidation. I told my wife not to turn her head away after giving me a blowjob, but she didn’t listen. It went in one ear and out the other. If you’re using public transport, never give up your seat to an old lady. That’s how my uncle lost his job as a bus driver. The other day I went to the toilet. Or was it… Oh yeah, the other day I had diarrhoea… Sorry, I can’t remember the joke. It had a shit ending anyway. ’ I thought it was great advice. So I got it tattooed on my forehead.

I wanted to propose to my girlfriend over the phone. So I gave her a ring. Serving time in prison can sometimes be described as ‘a stretch on the inside’. I wonder where that phrase originated…? My wife just told me she wanted to have a baby. I didn’t have the balls to tell her I was castrated. My girlfriend just texted me to say that she has just stuck a whole lemon up her pussy. That might not seem like a big deal but she’s dyslexic. Typical Americans, making a national holiday out of a Will Smith film.

It wasn’t a bad idea to do trigonometry in the sun. I got a tan. I told everyone that I won the ‘Bullshitter of the Year’ award. But no one believed me. When I’m sad I like to cut myself … a nice slice of chocolate cake. I used to be quite good at wordplay. Once a pun a time. I’m planning a remake of The Never-Ending Story. ’ Did you know ‘emas eht yltcaxe’ is exactly the same spelt backwards? I’ve decided I want to know you a whole lot better. Let’s start with your bank details. ’ Wouldn’t it have been easier to make the arrest on the ground?

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